coloring outside the lines

Criticism -vs- Discernment

There have been several times in life where I have had to re-evaluate the way I think, believe, live, interact with others, etc. No time have I had to do this more consistently then since I have lived in Michigan. It has required much evaluation of… well everything. My friends and I call it “chewing on things.” I feel like with every evaluation, with every new thing to ‘chew on’, I am learning something new, that in order to be the balanced person I want to be, I am forced to change something else within myself, my routine, thought patterns, beliefs, friendships, boundaries, etc.

Now, consistent evaluation is not something I try to make a habit of. It can be one of two things… dangerous or healthy depending on what lens you evaluate with. But, I believe in this current season I am in, evaluation is very healthy. Or… at least it really could be.

This is the conundrum I have found myself in….

I was talking with the Lord the other day. My brain was completely on overload. I was asking Him why I couldn’t just process something before He put something else on my plate. I felt like I wasn’t chewing on things anymore… things were chewing on me. I was letting stuff get to me so completely that I was so unhappy with everything. I was feeling so completely overwhelmed, I was considering giving up on some things. I sat and listened for what seemed like forever and then He reminded me of something I already knew. This is what He reminded me of:

“Criticism is the perverted counterfeit for discernment. And as any lie of the enemy, it is a sly little fox that will spoil the vine without proper watch.”

In all of my evaluation, I have slowly let the foggy lens of criticism cloud my vision and accidentally put discernment on the back burner. My evaluating had become sooooo taxing because I was fighting for vision with a faulty lens. It’s like criticism only shows you the negative. Kind of like when you take a photograph. You see the darks and lights in reverse. It’s a skewed version of the real picture. Criticism is what they call in the movie Heavyweights a “negativity spreader.”

To give you some specificness… I was evaluating the Church, church services, evangelism, and all the things that come with all of this. I was getting so nasty with all of it…. I was really mean. Just seeing the skewed picture where the dark was light. I was seeing the negative. I was seeing a lie. Now, I had good intentions. It started off with me evaluating these things in order to find solutions to problems. I genuinely want to do what is right and I genuinely want what God wants. I had just been using the wrong lens to evaluate. Criticism gave discernment a back seat.

So how could I mistake being negatively critical for being discerning? When we feel bad about something, when it is uncomfortable for us, when we see that it is unjust in some way… there is some evaluation that should be done in order to seek a solution. I will say though that the evaluation should start with evaluating God’s face… His heart… His desires… His Word. Not our opinions, circumstances, or experiences. Start with God… always. This is where I missed it… I started with me and mine.

Here are some Scriptures on discernment:

Phil 1:9-10 (NIV) And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and be pure and blameless until the day of Christ.

(If love is not abounding in your evaluating… in your knowledge and depth of insight, you are being critical rather than discerning. LET LOVE BE THE LAW. **Thanks Shuh**)

1 Cor 12:10 (KJV) …to another prophecy, to another discerning of spirits… (This is talking about the gifts of the Spirit. Discernment is a gift.)

Heb 5:14 (NIV) But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish (discern) good from evil. (Discernment is a sign of maturity….. Criticism is a sign of immaturity.)

Suppose you think that your have “discerned” something. A good test of whether this “realization” is from the Spirit is what the realization from the evaluation propels you to do.

- Does it lead you to help, heal, love, share? Does it lead towards purity of the body, towards Christ? Then the Holy Spirit may have given you a taste of His perspective: the truth, with love. Your actions will prove the validity of what you think, and deeper fellowship and/or humility will be the result. (

1 Cor 2:10 (NIV) …but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God.)

But if what you feel in your heart as a result of the discernment is superiority, scandal, bitterness, or a desire to detach yourself from the body of Christ, then it is not of God. Whether it is correct, or not, is not the issue: The “knowledge”from the evaluation is not from God—as judged by its fruit.

Bottom line… Criticism is cancerous (negativity spreader.) Discernment is life-giving and fruitful.

I am letting God do this work in me. I have had to spend many hours in repentance (letting Holy Spirit change my mind.) I need many more hours. :-) And in the meantime I am seeing, with greater clarity, His love and passion and vision for the Body of Christ. He really loves His Bride and wants good things for us. Please remember this when talking about Her…. Us….. :-)

Corn mazes are cool. :)

I

Hug a stranger and sock legalism in the face…

You sure do learn a lot when you leave everything you’ve ever known and move somewhere new. Sweet tea and Chick-Fil-A are a distant dream and Vernor’s and Potbelly have taken their place. You learn that Ypsilanti is not pronounced with the ‘y’, but rather with an ‘i’ sound. You learn that your hometown is a little more ‘vanilla’ and a lot more segregated than you ever thought. You learn that no matter where you go, nobody has got it 100% right, but if you pay close attention… you learn that neither do you.

The greatest lessons I’ve learned so far here are as follows:
- There is ALWAYS so much more when it comes to God.
- There are many areas of Christianity that we should be balanced in… BUT there are just some things that if you aren’t completely given over to, completely taking to the extreme… You grow lukewarm and complacent and might as well be dead. Yup. Dead.

On the first thing I mentioned: There is always more. I have said this for years and even been a part of the “more Lord” crew. Still in the back of my mind, I guess I thought that somewhere, sometime there would be a conclusion to all that I know and can experience in the Lord and that I would achieve some blissful state of perfection and just have it all. This thinking is wrong and untrue. THERE IS ALWAYS MORE!

An example of this in my world recently is love. I know I love God and to appease Him and His commandments, I think I love people. I am moved in my heart by the needs of the poor and the passivity of the rich. I give of my time and money and resources to my friends and serve them in the best ways I know how. I feel sympathy, compassion and sometimes pity for those in painful situations… And I call this love. But what about those, who are out and about in their daily doings, seemingly normal and without need or burden? Do I love them? Or do I just tolerate them passing through my little moment of the day? Like the lady pumping gas beside me at the gas station. Do I love her? No. Just honest. Not reeeeeally. Yet this Christ, this Salvation and Hope of Glory inside of me loves this lady with a love that could change her entire eternity and free her from sin and the grave…. And I just pump my gas and go on like she doesn’t matter…… This is starting to eat me up.

Which leads me to my second point:( to quote it from earlier) “There are many areas of Christianity that we should be balanced in… BUT there are just some things that if you aren’t completely given over to, completely taking to the extreme… You grow lukewarm and complacent and might as well be dead. Yup. Dead.”

Let me expound. I am a huge fan of balance. I like things that make sense and round out all the questions. I don’t like open ends. It is why I study so much theology. I have had SOOO much experiential truth, that I feel I need knowledge truth to round and balance it all out.
BUT there are some areas that we must not be balanced. Love being one of those areas. Complacent love is no love at all for love by its very nature requires us to give all and require nothing in return. We have got to love one another. It is a great commandment straight from the red letters. That includes people we don’t know and who don’t play a regular role in our lives. It is NOT just an evangelist’s job to love and minister to people. So go hug a stranger. :)

For real though. As a “peculiar people” we have to quit trying to juggle Christianity, compassion, and the truth of the Cross with the complacency of our culture. They are never going to mix or balance each other out. It is not ok to justify participation in complacency and passivity with, “well that’s just our culture.” Holiness at it’s core is not balanced. It is separated. Not even touching or close to something that could balance it out. It is different. It is what we are called to. Legalism has given Holiness a bad name and people don’t want to even try and live differently or separate for fear of being legalistic. I am telling you that legalism is the perverted plan of the enemy to keep us from stepping outside of culture and stunts us from living as the beautiful and holy peculiar people we are called and made to be. I love balance. But friends, you can not mix darkness and light. You just can’t.

Thoughts?

I took this one the way home from TN to MI. If Michigan had mountains, my momma, Hercules and Greg… And Chick-Fil-A…… It would be the most perfect place of all time.

Minus the whole Detroit ghetto and crazy cold snow. ;)

I have been reading this book all day like there is no tomorrow…… I am a history nerd and I accept that.

One Thing Remains

As everything in my life has recently completely changed, I have been grasping for something that is familiar. I got so completely homesick last week that Applebees became a “beacon of home”, if you will. I was begging my mom to ship me my pillow. It seems so silly but I felt that just that small familiar comfort would make everything ok. Nothing in me desired to leave. I was not sad at all. I just needed something familiar… Something stable… Something constant.
In the middle of a mini-meltdown one night on my way to my new home from my new job in my new car in my new city……… A song came on my iPod that really quieted my pining heart:

“Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains
Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me
On and one and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
One thing remains
In death and in life I’m confident and covered by the power of your great love
My debt is paid there’s nothing that can separate my heart from your great love” -Jesus Culture

Constant and unending love that covers me and is the dearest friend to me when nothing else seems to be stable or sure.
The love and faithfulness of the Lord blows my mind and to know that His love never runs out… No matter how far I go from anything else that seems familiar, God’s love and mercy shall follow me all o the days of my life.

What a great God!

More mundane updates to follow soon… Hope this encouraged your heart.

Jesus loves you.

“Can’t you see that it’s just rainin’? Ain’t no need to go outside.”- Jack Johnson

[Flash 10 is required to watch video]

Just a little cartoon face update video blog for fun. Enjoy! :)

This is a little update for Mrs. Brocato and anyone else who may be wondering, “Where in the blazes did that JMont run off to now?!”
Well, let’s just start from the beginning.
In April of this year I began to feel like The Lord was asking me to prepare to “Go”. I had no idea where to or how or when. Just prepare to go. So… I started looking for another job so that I could make enough money to purchase a car. Every door slammed in my face. So instead of trying to just make the natural things fall in place to go, I began to prepare my heart with much prayer and fasting.
I had an encounter with the Lord at a ladies retreat in CT at the end of April and felt very strongly that the “where” was Michigan.
I had been to MI several times and have become dear friends with a community of people that I have only ever been able to describe as “my tribe”. As soon as I thought of them after this impression of the Lord to “go”, all I could do was cry. It was an overwhelming realization and heart pull. I knew that this was the “where” without doubt. But when and how??
Well, I began to share with a couple of people in MI the desire God had placed in my heart and he mandate I felt was there and a couple of them responded to me with “it’s about time.” I has them praying with me for the direction and provision of the Lord.
In the meantime, I placed 5 very specific and some very impossible things that I need God to do before I could go. I needed a car, a place to live, a job, for my family to be ok with the move and to be released from my job.
Soooooooo the story of how all those things came to pass is absolutely miraculous and nothing short of the hand of God. All of those thongs just started falling into place one after another in the most fun God ways.
Longer story shorter, I came to visit for just a week to have some job interviews and now I’ve been here for 2 weeks. And yes… I plan to stay indefinitely. I am living with my dear friend Greg’s family and I could not think any higher of them. They are the most fun, generous and loving people ever.
I must say the same is true for the awesome community that God has allowed me to be a part of. I see the heart of God on a daily basis coming from each of them. They are all soooooo creative and artistic, so hopefully we will be doing some amazing little projects.
Speaking of projects… The Color Outside The Lines album project is STILL in the making. I know it has been an extreeeeemely long time coming, but I am seeing now why it has taken so long and what God has been saving it for and protecting it from. We have a total of 5 songs completely finished and a couple others under way. I have a TON more opportunity to be in the studio now that I am here and progress has been unbelievable! It will hopefully be coming to an iTunes near you very soon.
As life has been so extremely changed in the past 2 weeks and literally EVERYTHING is new (job, state, car, church, home, friends, roads, accents, food) I have become insanely homesick the past 2 days. I certainly don’t want to go home by any means. I am just longing for something familiar. Strangely, we went to Applebees after church today for lunch and you would not believe how comforting it was to just be somewhere that felt familiar. When I left, I didn’t pack a lot of things, even my pillow got left behind. So, adjusting, although amazing in many many aspects, has been a hair tough the past couple days. I’ve really missed my mom, Greg, and Hercules the very most. If I could put them all on a plane with my pillow tomorrow and keep them here forever, life might just be perfect. :)
Soooooooo… There are about a million more things I could say and about a trillion stories I could tell and even more feelings and musings to share, but the basic story is here and the first few steps of the journey recorded. Now that I have downloaded this sweet tumblr app for my iPod, I should be updating more often.
Until next time… May you never be afraid to try for fear of failing. Just run after God as fast and hard as you can. He will lead you through the valley of the shadow of death and beside still waters. He will cause you to fly and free fall into what seems like nothing… Run through briar patches and walk on water… One thing you can be sure of, this adventure, this journey… It’s worth every moment when you here “well done.” ;)

Knock Knock Knock

I randomly saw this picture today. It used to hang in our house when I was around 2 or 3 years old. It is part of one of my earliest memories. I don’t remember exact details, but the picture is ever etched on my brain. I remember just staring at it for long periods of time. I have been told that it sparked a conversation between my parents and me that ended in a little 3-year-old me being led in the sinner’s prayer. When I saw it today, a flood of emotion and thoughts came rushing in.

To be honest… I have been having a really hard time lately. I am just kind of done with all things religion/ religious. No, I’m not done with God. I’m not done with Jesus. I’m not done with Holy Spirit or anything like that. I’m just done with anything that looks like religion. Even things that say they fight religion but are really just building a different form of the same thing. It is to the point where it’s really even hard for me to hear some people say, “Thank God” or even share a testimony about a service or conference without feeling some sort of annoyance. I know that sounds dumb… but my heart is so completely burnt. I feel like I’m still trapped in the same oven that has so deeply burnt me… and to be honest it has made me feel a little like giving up.

There is nothing in me that ever wants to give up on Christ or His calling. There is nothing in me that even desires to blow the whole thing and go live un-righteously. The part of me that wants to give up is the part that still condemns myself for not going to church. The same part tells me I’m wasting my gifts because I’m not singing like I used to. The same part screams at me calling me a hypocrite every time I decide to sleep in instead of getting up and read my Bible. This part promises me the love of God if I do the right things as if there is something I could do to earn more or have it taken away. It’s the part that tells me to promote myself as ultra spiritual to gain the approval of others. It longs to receive praise from men because it isn’t receiving it from God. It’s the part that tells me I will no longer be saved if I don’t ‘step it up’…. These are the things I want to give up on and anything that fuels these notions I need to step away from.

I am by NO means looking for complacency or apathy. I don’t want to be a ‘lazy Christian’. Obviously my desire to please God has so wrapped itself around me that it has trapped me rather than propelled me. Perhaps this is where the dilemma is. His desire is not for MY righteousness to propel me toward Him, but that His righteousness, His goodness draw me to Him.

I looked at this picture today. I realized that I want to be the same little girl that used to stare at this picture. The one who just stared at Jesus and was moved by His love. My little childlike heart understood that HE was pursuing me and knocking on my heart’s door. It never crossed my 3-year-old mind that I would have to do anything other than simply open it.

I want that simplicity again. I want that faith. I want to just open the door.

It’s like I’ve constantly been trying to make my house (the other side of the door) look so good and keep it so clean and make sure everything is just pristine so that Jesus might want to come over and visit. When there is a little dust on the shelf, I keep Him outside waiting so He doesn’t have to sit in my mess until I get it all cleaned up. I’ve been so busy trying to set the table for Him and preparing to serve Him that I have completely forgot that……

The whole time, He’s been standing there knocking, gently waiting for me to stop trying so hard and just open the door… Just let Him in. Let Him sit in my mess. Let Him cry with me instead of hiding myself from Him because showing Him my weakness would maybe push Him away. He wants to be strong for me. He wants to clean up my messes for me. He just wants me to open the door.

So… that’s what I need to do. I don’t know how. I need His help. I need Him to wipe away my need to always take care of others and quit working so hard to hide my weaknesses from everyone, including myself and God. I need to be taught how to admit when I am wrong and not try and justify myself. I need to admit…. that I NEED.

I am sharing all this via blog… because I’m pretty sure that I am not the only person who has been here. I know because I observe people. I watch them trying so hard to please God and do do do do… While all the while, He is waiting on the other side of your heart’s door, knocking and waiting for you to just STOP, open the door… and let Him in.

DROP DEAD DIVA

I’m gonna hit on a topic I don’t normally talk about, but it’s really eating my brain this morning, so I need to get out some thoughts…. here goes…

So, there’s this show out called Drop Dead Diva on Lifetime. My mom and I watch it, and quite honestly I loved the show last season.The show is coming out with a new season soon and I was itching to watch it. But for some reason, this morning, I really started to think about the show and have about decided against putting it on the tivo.

For those of you who have never seen the show, it’s based on the premise that a young, gorgeous, ditzy-yet-sweet model (Deb) is killed in a car accident, goes to heaven, pushes some button and her soul gets sent back to earth to live in a driven, plus-size attorney’s body (Jane). For whatever reason, there becomes this hybrid of Jane and Deb: Jane’s smarts and looks and Debs sweetness, fashion sense, and fun. Before Deb was killed in this car accident, she was dating and very much in love with an incredibly attractive intelligent attorney named Grayson. Grayson happens work at the firm Jane works at. So when Deb dies and comes back as Jane… this presents a problem as Deb in Jane still loves Grayson, and Grayson of course could never fall in love with ‘someone like Jane’.

Aside from the obvious theological imbalances on the topic of death and heaven, I have a big problem with this. The whole issue of it not even being a possibility that Grayson would ever love Jane. It seems obvious and right to everyone else the reasons why, but to me, it seems all so shallow and makes men look like lustful pigs and devalues plus-size women or ‘women like me’.

Sure, the show is portraying a lovely, voluptuous, intelligent, successful woman. That is a rare thing in and of itself. For a woman to be shown on television, she often has to be a size 6 or smaller. OR she is portrayed as a disgusting hog who has no self-worth or even value to society. (**Side note: Did you know that anyone over a size 6 is considered ‘plus-size’ in the modeling world??!?! WHAT?!?!) BUT anyhow, they do a good job of showing that a plus-size woman CAN be successful, intelligent, and an incredible asset to society.

What they doooooo lack in showing is that Jane is just as beautiful and desirable as the other women around her. The very fact that Grayson is drawn to Jane’s spirit, personality, heart… and they become the of best friends means nothing to him. He instead dates the other ‘hot’ attorney in the firm who is known as the firm’s (for lack of better term) be-otch. Cold and heartless, this woman is beautiful, but offers nothing but boobs and backstabbing… For some reason Grayson can’t get enough of her while poor Jane/Deb watches on believing that she can never offer him anything again because she no longer fits into a size 2. And the show portrays this as completely normal and really gives no hope to Jane’s character. The only men who have been interested in her is a lazy,smelly, deadbeat security guard; a guy who was dying and married her to get her insurance; and a fairly handsome ‘big&tall’ attorney who they wrote out of the show soon after he and Jane started dating.

I PRAY TO GOD THIS IS NOT REAL LIFE. But unfortunately, I have seen it to be so. We have been programmed to think that men only want a ‘certain kind of woman’… and when mentioning that ‘kind of woman’, it rarely has anything to do with brains and heart and everything to do boobs and hair. And so because we have been programmed this way, men believe that this ‘dream girl’ is who they must be after and when they attain that ‘certain kind of woman’ they finally feel like a man. Women, who are less than perfect physically, in turn, just settle for the stinky deadbeats who just use us up, abuse our goodness, and make us feel like this is what we deserve because we aren’t good enough to be with other men.

I haven’t personally been used up by stinky deadbeats, but I have seen some of my most beautiful friends treated like dirt and looked over just because they look a little less like JLo and more like Adele… A little less Deb and a lot more Jane.

I’m tired of this being so! I am tired of curvy girls being considered less than. Always the bridesmaid, never even considered bride material… always the best friend, never even close to girlfriend material… all because we don’t look the part.

I know I am worth more than a stinky deadbeat and I expect more than that for my life. Any woman who places value on herself should expect the same thing regardless of what Drop Dead Diva and the rest of society says.

Now, I understand being healthy. I am working on this for myself. I know that I need to have a strong heart physically and otherwise. I know that when I do enter into a relationship with an incredible man (not stinky or a deadbeat), I want to be able to share my life with him and have a long life with him and our children… being healthy is vital to this desire…. BUT being a size 2 is not.

I guess what I’m getting at is this:

Gentlemen:

You have GOT to stop chasing the proverbial ‘hot girl’ and making yourselves look like lustful pigs. You have got to broaden your horizons! Curvy girls are hot too! Just like any ‘type’ of woman, there are some needy and insecure plus-size ladies. BUUUUT SOME of us are strong, intelligent, beautiful, mighty women of God… AND WE KNOW IT. So don’t count us out just because we don’t fit your ‘ideal spouse’.

LADIES:

You have got to set your expectations for yourself higher and start caring about yourselves. Do what you can to be healthy! Don’t just let yourself go because ‘that’s the way you’ve always been’. You can always be better. We can’t expect to be trashy and gross and men to want us. You don’t want that type of man do you? If you have some curves, embrace them! AND dress them appropriately. You don’t have to be a hooch or a bag lady… you just have to be you! Be confident! Confidence is the greatest outfit you will ever put on. (Cheesy? Yes… True? YES!) You are beautiful!

Now I am just starting to learn and apply these things to my life, so I’m no expert. But I dare say with this attitude and outlook on life, I SHOULD be WAAAY more attractive as a curvy confident woman than a insecure woman of any size or shape.

TIME TO STEP IT UP EVERYBODY!

Lord, Help Us.

OK… I am going to vent a little. I’m mad. If you are easily offended… you may not want to read this.

And to those of you that read, PLEASE… comment if you have anything to share. I’d love to hear from you.

Today I had an interesting encounter.

There is this lady who has come up to my office several times to ask if she can park her camper in the parking lot over night. She is living in her camper and is new to town, looking for a job, and needs a quiet area to sleep. Our parking lot, well the ministry center in general, is extremely quiet.

She came by again today, pretty much to spill her guts about how crappy her life is… And I really and truly don’t mind to offer a caring ear. I actually quite enjoy listening to her…

She went on and on about how she can’t find a job. I understand how hard that is… I’ve been there. But she had an excuse for why she couldn’t do any of the jobs that I presented as opportunities or options. She offered to take my job if I ever decided to leave because, as she stated, she ‘wants to work in ministry.’ I just laughed and kind of shrugged her comments off…

Our conversation went on and we had gone through about 30 places of employment in the city, she had an excuse for every one of them. I then mentioned McDonalds. Our conversation went a little something like this:

Me: “You know McDonalds is having a hiring day this month. You could always apply there. It’s worth a shot.”

Her: “Ohhh. No, no, no, no, no. All they hire is teenagers and I really don’t want to work with unsaved or ungodly teenagers, I want to work in ministry.”

…………..WHAT?!?! I didn’t know whether to laugh at the absurdity of it, or cry because of the heartlessness. I mean, surely she couldn’t have realized what she had just said. Oh man….

Another situation that happened week before last; We were having a guest speaker in and we were taking registration for it. A gentlemen called with some questions about the event. Our conversation was as follows:

Me: <my normal answer the phone at work schpeel>

Man: Yes, this is Evangelist Soandso. I am calling about the meeting tomorrow night and I need to reserve special seating for my wife and I in special ministers seating. We would like to sit with ministers.

Me: I’m sorry, sir. We only have reserved seating for our partners and Board of Elders.

Man: Well, my wife and I only want to sit with ministers, if you know what I mean. I have been an evangelist for 35 years and… (continues to give list of credentials that I tuned out on)… and we WILL be sitting with other ministers.

Me: I’m sorry Mr. Soandso, but…

Man: EVANGELIST Soandso!

Me: I’m sorry sir, but we ONLY have reserved seating for partners and Board of Elders. If you’d like to come early and save a seat for your wife and yourself, you are very welcome to do so.

Man: Well, we don’t want to sit with just anybody….

The conversation went on only a few lines longer before he just hung up on me…

… If I could express to you how upset this made me… I’d need to make up a new genre of words.

The fact that he is an ‘evangelist’ and he ONLY wants to sit with other ministers???? Like everyone else is not good enough to sit with him. Somehow he’s earned a name that entitles him to live high and mighty. It made me want to puke.

What is going on?! Seriously, people want to be ‘in ministry’ but never want to do the REAL WORK of the ministry. This true and undefiled stuff the Word talks about when He mentions widows and orphans. This ‘least of these’ kind of work.

What happened to servants? This ‘diva’ mentality is sickening and I am over it.

And even SOME of those that DO serve, they only want to do so on their terms, for THEIR people. They want to throw big conferences, for Christian people. They want to have retreats, for Christian people. They want to have television shows, for Christian people. They want to sit, with Christian people. They want to work, with Christian people. And sure, if someone HAPPENS to ‘get saved’, of course we throw a party and halfway remember for a split second that God is real and can bring people from death to life, but then we squelch it all, abandoning the new convert to fend for themselves, and we go back to our “I am a friend of God” medley and pat ourselves on the back for another great meeting.

WHAT IS GOING ON? Is the Gospel not real to us anymore? Have we become numb to it?

Perhaps we can’t even see our own need for Him, and therefore we cannot see anyone else’s need for Him. We can only see our need for a cheap form of godliness, but have no power thereof.

It ticks me off. I’m angry. I am SICK! I hate it… and I’m right in the middle of it. This war inside me is taxing. I don’t have the answer… but I am SEEKING. I want to want to be thrown so far out of my ‘comfort zone’ that I don’t even know what that means any more. I know that there are some tables in my heart that need to be turned over, so I am not pointing fingers without my index poking my eye first… BUT, that being the case, I may see sooner than some, and I’m praying for the right heart about it. I really want to love… And I’m trying to see how loving Pharisees looks different than loving the lost, and how that looks different from loving my brothers and sisters. Does it look different at all?

Oh, Lord… help us. In the deepest sincerity that I could ever, ever muster… Help us.